It has been a while since I have brought a glimpse of my crazy world to you but I got busy and the situation with the landlady got seriously stupid. Yesterday we saw a dip back into whimsical stupidity that this blog is known for. (Benedict Cumberbatch voice) Shall we begin?
Yesterday on of the smoke detectors in the house let us know it's battery was dying by the irritating beep every 2 minutes. I go inform my land lady. Now if you think she came over and changed batteries without incident then you haven't been reading this blog and shame on you. It's funny and a chance for me to vent and cheaper than therapy. Did I also mention it's funny?
I lead her into the room with the offending smoke detector.
Beep.
Landlady:"That's weird there's no smoke."
Yes, because that's what I would do. Lead you into a smoke filled house just to show you that the smoke detector is working.
Me: "No that means the battery is dying and needs to be changed."
She grabs a chair, stands on it and pops the cover off the smoke detector. There she was confronted with a new problem. A nine volt battery.
Landlady: "Is this a battery?"
I quickly glanced around for Ashton Kutcher. I had to be getting Punk'd. There's no way she just asked me that.
Me: "Yes that's a nine volt battery."
Oh, why did I not try to get her to lick the leads? If we're gonna play this game of Dumb and Dumber I may as well have some fun right? Right? Right?
Anyway she asked me where she might find these types of batteries. I told her they are common batteries and can be found anywhere. She leaves for the store and I am treated to 10 minutes of non dumb life.
She returns from the store with the proper batteries and installs them.
Beep.
She comes out into the living room.
Landlady: " I put the battery in but it's still beeping. Can you look at it?"
Did---did she---she asked for help? Maybe she's getting smarter? Perhaps this was just some elaborate form of nine month amnesia? Is this a turning point for us? Will I now shut down my blog because she is now intelligent? The sun seemed to shine brighter. Cartoon birds flew around me. Things were looking up.
I approach the smoke detector and pop the lid off.
"Zeus, Father of Sky and Thunderer---I beg of thee to smite my enemies."
My landlady shoved the battery into the smoke detector and didn't connect the leads to the smoke detector.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
A Tale Of Three Houses
So I am beginning to think I live in a dumb neighborhood. An area where all the dumb people were rounded up and tossed in. Which begs the question am I dumb? Did I get put in here by accident? Is this hell?
I spend all day at home and nothing happens. I go out for the day and all hell breaks loose. My roommates who witnessed the event couldn't wait for me to get home.
"I am high and drunk right now" One roommate said.
"Why?" I replied.
"Because of what happened...."
"What happened?" I asked.
(Insert Wayne's World flash back noise)
A, B, and C. These are the three houses that are part of this drama. I live in the house B.
Backstory:
In house A (actually an apartment) lives a man with the senses of Superman. He can hear a fly gang banging on the top of the Hollywood sign. He has complained about roommates slamming a gate that is between houses B and C.
In house A lives a dumb person...not me.
In house C like a mexican man who looks like he shouldn't be messed with. He plays his music loud in the middle of the day. He seems like a cool guy and tends to get high with the roommates. Now he tends to play a lot of mexican music. My land lady doesn't like this music and went to him a few months ago to turn his music down. Here is how the exchange went.
Landlady: "Turn down your shitty mexican music."
C's only response was to turn it up. This pissed off the Land Lady who threatened to sue him because of his music. I am not sure how far that case would go but then again we live in a country where someone sued a company because the coffee was hot.
Now here are the events of yesterday.
Super hearing "A" heard the music from "C" and thought it was coming from "B". He comes over to our property and begins cussing the Land Lady out over the music. Instead of either one of them figuring out the music was coming from "C" they proceeded to get into a big argument about the music. Finally the two decide to confront "C" about the loud music.
"I suggest you both leave me alone before you have a problem you don't want to have." He told them.
"A" took the hint and quickly got the frak back in his apartment. My Land Lady couldn't catch a hint if someone written it in the sky. She continued to yell at this man who at the time was listening to 2Pac and smoking weed.
"I am gonna call the cops." She said.
"I don't give a fuck. I told you to leave me alone about my music. I didn't say anything when you guys were partying the other night and had the music up." he replied. One of the roommates was leaving and we had a party and played loud music until 6am. The Land Lady tried to come out and party too when the roommate on music played some Metallica. We quickly shifted back to hip hop after seeing her try to dance.
Anyway back to the story. The Land Lady finally went back into her house and shut up. So at what time do you think this all went down? Was it 2am? Was it Midnight?
Nope it was 3pm. The middle of the fricken afternoon. I got home from a photo shoot around 7pm and the music was still going. It stopped an hour later.
I spend all day at home and nothing happens. I go out for the day and all hell breaks loose. My roommates who witnessed the event couldn't wait for me to get home.
"I am high and drunk right now" One roommate said.
"Why?" I replied.
"Because of what happened...."
"What happened?" I asked.
(Insert Wayne's World flash back noise)
A, B, and C. These are the three houses that are part of this drama. I live in the house B.
Backstory:
In house A (actually an apartment) lives a man with the senses of Superman. He can hear a fly gang banging on the top of the Hollywood sign. He has complained about roommates slamming a gate that is between houses B and C.
In house A lives a dumb person...not me.
In house C like a mexican man who looks like he shouldn't be messed with. He plays his music loud in the middle of the day. He seems like a cool guy and tends to get high with the roommates. Now he tends to play a lot of mexican music. My land lady doesn't like this music and went to him a few months ago to turn his music down. Here is how the exchange went.
Landlady: "Turn down your shitty mexican music."
C's only response was to turn it up. This pissed off the Land Lady who threatened to sue him because of his music. I am not sure how far that case would go but then again we live in a country where someone sued a company because the coffee was hot.
Now here are the events of yesterday.
Super hearing "A" heard the music from "C" and thought it was coming from "B". He comes over to our property and begins cussing the Land Lady out over the music. Instead of either one of them figuring out the music was coming from "C" they proceeded to get into a big argument about the music. Finally the two decide to confront "C" about the loud music.
"I suggest you both leave me alone before you have a problem you don't want to have." He told them.
"A" took the hint and quickly got the frak back in his apartment. My Land Lady couldn't catch a hint if someone written it in the sky. She continued to yell at this man who at the time was listening to 2Pac and smoking weed.
"I am gonna call the cops." She said.
"I don't give a fuck. I told you to leave me alone about my music. I didn't say anything when you guys were partying the other night and had the music up." he replied. One of the roommates was leaving and we had a party and played loud music until 6am. The Land Lady tried to come out and party too when the roommate on music played some Metallica. We quickly shifted back to hip hop after seeing her try to dance.
Anyway back to the story. The Land Lady finally went back into her house and shut up. So at what time do you think this all went down? Was it 2am? Was it Midnight?
Nope it was 3pm. The middle of the fricken afternoon. I got home from a photo shoot around 7pm and the music was still going. It stopped an hour later.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Drain Game
It has been a while since I have posted and as I have said before I am pretty sure she knows about this blog. She continues to clean in the middle of the night. This morning I woke up to the clues that she had a midnight session. A moldy smelling mop was in the living room and assorted bottles of cleaner were laying about. That's one of the bigger issues I have with her. She never puts things away when she is done with them...and not knowing how to properly clean a house...and misuse of chemicals....
So the other day she was walking through the house and one of the roommates mentioned to her that our shower drain was becoming clogged. It wasn't fully clogged but it was slow to drain. She goes into the bathroom and turns the shower on. She lets the water run for 2 seconds (I counted) and then comes out of the bathroom. I half expected her to tell him there was no clog. However she told him she'd get something for it.
A few days later she comes into the house with a bottle of Drain-O. She hands it to the roommate and tells him to do it because she doesn't know how. As if that stopped her before. However more to the point, if you don't know how to use Drain-O they print the instructions on the back of the bottle.
So the other day she was walking through the house and one of the roommates mentioned to her that our shower drain was becoming clogged. It wasn't fully clogged but it was slow to drain. She goes into the bathroom and turns the shower on. She lets the water run for 2 seconds (I counted) and then comes out of the bathroom. I half expected her to tell him there was no clog. However she told him she'd get something for it.
A few days later she comes into the house with a bottle of Drain-O. She hands it to the roommate and tells him to do it because she doesn't know how. As if that stopped her before. However more to the point, if you don't know how to use Drain-O they print the instructions on the back of the bottle.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Dropping a Bomb in the Toilet
I think my Land Lady is on to me. She is reluctant to clean around me. The things she is responsible for are going undone. Sure we take out the trash and clean up after ourselves but she hasn't been around in a while. The other day I go out to a movie and I come home while she is in the middle of cleaning the bathroom.
I walk past the bathroom and she sees me. She pulls out a box of toilet cleaner. You know the stuff you put in the back of the bowl that makes the water blue. She asks me if it's alright to use it. I tell her yeah.
Later that night she comes into the house with rubber dish washing gloves on. The gloves go to the elbow. In her hands are pair of tongs. In the grip of the tongs' jaws is a round blue toilet cleaner pellet. She is treating it like it's a piece of plutonium. Everyone is looking at her as she slowly maneuvers towards the bathroom. I think she believes its a bomb of some sort. She goes into the bathroom. After several minutes she comes out and tells us not to use the bathroom for ten minutes.
We looked around at each other.
"I bet she put that in the toilet instead of the back" One of my roommates said.
He said what I was thinking. I walked to the bathroom hoping against hope she put it in the back...wishing she didn't because it would make for a hilarious blog. I open the toilet and it's clear. I guess she read the instructions and someone how mixed it with the directions for the bomb she is making????
I walk past the bathroom and she sees me. She pulls out a box of toilet cleaner. You know the stuff you put in the back of the bowl that makes the water blue. She asks me if it's alright to use it. I tell her yeah.
Later that night she comes into the house with rubber dish washing gloves on. The gloves go to the elbow. In her hands are pair of tongs. In the grip of the tongs' jaws is a round blue toilet cleaner pellet. She is treating it like it's a piece of plutonium. Everyone is looking at her as she slowly maneuvers towards the bathroom. I think she believes its a bomb of some sort. She goes into the bathroom. After several minutes she comes out and tells us not to use the bathroom for ten minutes.
We looked around at each other.
"I bet she put that in the toilet instead of the back" One of my roommates said.
He said what I was thinking. I walked to the bathroom hoping against hope she put it in the back...wishing she didn't because it would make for a hilarious blog. I open the toilet and it's clear. I guess she read the instructions and someone how mixed it with the directions for the bomb she is making????
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Paranormal Dumbtivity
Welcome to another installment of Shit My Land Lady Says. Today's episode is extremely scary. To read further is to risk sanity and wits. Nah who am I fooling? You stayed with it this long you might as well read further.
Monday, July 8th, 3AM. For some reason I can't sleep. Something has spooked me but I don't know what it is. I feel evil eyes are watching me. I go into the living room and turn on Comedy Central. Laughing will soothe my troubled soul. I hear a noise in the kitchen. No one should be up. Oh Hell no. I go back to bed. Yes that's right, I am not going to find out what it is. It might be the cat-boy from The Grudge or the girl from The Ring or the puppet on a tricycle from Saw. I realize I watch way too many scary movies. I close my eyes and let the soothe sounds of Maxwell carry me to sleep.
That morning something is amiss. I can't put my finger on it but something is not right. I shrug it off. I ain't got time for a haunted house.
Tuesday, July 7th, 2AM. I can hear movement in the living room. I lay in my bed frightened. Everyone is bed. Who or what is moving around this house? Is it The Blair Witch? I pull the covers over my head. What kind of man am I?
Wednesday, July 8th, 2AM. Right on cue the noises start up again. I decide to man the 'F' up. I slowly approach the bed room door. A shuffling noise can be heard out in the living room. I decide to man the 'F' down and go back to bed. Black people don't fair well in horror movies.
For the rest of the week we've had no activity. I thought the worst was behind me. I Thought wrong.
Monday, July 15th, 8AM. I wake up that morning and notice a hazy shine to the floor. There is an acrid chemical smell to the air. Did someone mop?
Tuesday, July 16th, 2AM. A loud noise wakes me. Is this it? Is this the moment when I confront the demon in my house? There is a strange light just outside my door. I am tired of being afraid. I open the door and come face to face with a horror straight from hell....
...my Land Lady cleaning. I guess she is now aware of the inadequate process that she uses to clean the house and now decides to clean while we are sleeping. This scares me to no end. She had to be told not to use Ammonia and Bleach together. What other chemical concoction could she be mixing while I sleep? And who uses and green flash light to clean the house in the middle of the night....and by green I mean the light is green not the flashlight cover?
Monday, July 8th, 3AM. For some reason I can't sleep. Something has spooked me but I don't know what it is. I feel evil eyes are watching me. I go into the living room and turn on Comedy Central. Laughing will soothe my troubled soul. I hear a noise in the kitchen. No one should be up. Oh Hell no. I go back to bed. Yes that's right, I am not going to find out what it is. It might be the cat-boy from The Grudge or the girl from The Ring or the puppet on a tricycle from Saw. I realize I watch way too many scary movies. I close my eyes and let the soothe sounds of Maxwell carry me to sleep.
That morning something is amiss. I can't put my finger on it but something is not right. I shrug it off. I ain't got time for a haunted house.
Tuesday, July 7th, 2AM. I can hear movement in the living room. I lay in my bed frightened. Everyone is bed. Who or what is moving around this house? Is it The Blair Witch? I pull the covers over my head. What kind of man am I?
Wednesday, July 8th, 2AM. Right on cue the noises start up again. I decide to man the 'F' up. I slowly approach the bed room door. A shuffling noise can be heard out in the living room. I decide to man the 'F' down and go back to bed. Black people don't fair well in horror movies.
For the rest of the week we've had no activity. I thought the worst was behind me. I Thought wrong.
Monday, July 15th, 8AM. I wake up that morning and notice a hazy shine to the floor. There is an acrid chemical smell to the air. Did someone mop?
Tuesday, July 16th, 2AM. A loud noise wakes me. Is this it? Is this the moment when I confront the demon in my house? There is a strange light just outside my door. I am tired of being afraid. I open the door and come face to face with a horror straight from hell....
...my Land Lady cleaning. I guess she is now aware of the inadequate process that she uses to clean the house and now decides to clean while we are sleeping. This scares me to no end. She had to be told not to use Ammonia and Bleach together. What other chemical concoction could she be mixing while I sleep? And who uses and green flash light to clean the house in the middle of the night....and by green I mean the light is green not the flashlight cover?
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Real Men With Guns
Ok....so I had mentioned that I have a roommate who is hetero-phobic. However I didn't blog about it because it's a sensitive subject and I didn't want to be perceive as making fun of someone because they are gay. That being said:
I have a roommate who we will call 'Gold'. Gold moved into the compound and instantly had an attitude with people. You'd say hi to him and he'd huff and puff and if a girl said anything to him he'd roll his eyes. Eventually we just left him alone because he was acting like a dick. Word reached us that he didn't like us (the straight men of the house) because we reminded him of the guys who picked on him in school. Wow. I was just sexually profiled. It was new to me. I've been racially profiled before but this was some 'Christopher Columbus in uncharted waters' type shit to me. We were amused but we still left dude alone. You can be gay, you just can't be a dick. I am sure you are laughing that I used the words 'gay' and 'dick' in the same sentence and I can assure you I am quite amused too.
So a few weeks ago we had some female Mexican (from Mexico) dancers move into the house. Debbie Reynold's dance studio is a block from the house and the artist compound I am staying at is the perfect spot to stay at for a few weeks. Now to say that these girls are nice looking is an understatement. They are fine. These girls stay in America for the summer while they go to school so another roommate and I know these girls from last summer. So we had a welcome back to the house party for them. So we are in the backyard, drinking and chatting when Gold comes outside.
Gold begins hurling a tirade of insults at us and the girls that was borderline racist but all the way hetero-phobic. I wish to Tom Cruise that I could remember what he said but I think my brain had trouble wrapping my mind around what I was going through that his words came out as gibberish. I am pretty sure he called me a 'Nerf-herder' and other than being a really cool Star Wars reference I don't know what that means. I don't have 'nerfs' nor do I know how to herd them.
So our Land Lady jumped to action and really if you think this is going to end without their being some really awkward conversation then I must say welcome you to my blog because this must be the first time you are reading it. Go read the first ones and then come back. We'll wait.
So Land Lady talks to him and word comes back that he is jealous of the girls because they get all our attention. Well we weren't giving him attention because he is a dick...and we are straight.
Fast forward to today, July 14th 2013, Gold has to move from the loft to one of the houses to consolidate space. He has a choice between the front house (where we all are) and the back house where the land lady lives. While making this decision the land lady tells him:
"Don't mess with the guys in the front house because they are really real grown ass men...with guns."
I am pretty sure that saying those words together at the same time constitutes as a hate crime. Not only did she communicate a threat to him on our behalf (I'm sure house unity will improve now) but she punctuated it with weapons. Now we don't feel any ill will towards Gold. I take a pretty old school stance with life: "Don't F with me and I won't F with you." However this guy may think at anytime we may recreate the end of "Boyz In The Hood" with him getting blasted.
Do you know how hard it is to be a 40-ish year old black male with no record or stints in jail? Damn this land lady....damn damn damn.....
I have a roommate who we will call 'Gold'. Gold moved into the compound and instantly had an attitude with people. You'd say hi to him and he'd huff and puff and if a girl said anything to him he'd roll his eyes. Eventually we just left him alone because he was acting like a dick. Word reached us that he didn't like us (the straight men of the house) because we reminded him of the guys who picked on him in school. Wow. I was just sexually profiled. It was new to me. I've been racially profiled before but this was some 'Christopher Columbus in uncharted waters' type shit to me. We were amused but we still left dude alone. You can be gay, you just can't be a dick. I am sure you are laughing that I used the words 'gay' and 'dick' in the same sentence and I can assure you I am quite amused too.
So a few weeks ago we had some female Mexican (from Mexico) dancers move into the house. Debbie Reynold's dance studio is a block from the house and the artist compound I am staying at is the perfect spot to stay at for a few weeks. Now to say that these girls are nice looking is an understatement. They are fine. These girls stay in America for the summer while they go to school so another roommate and I know these girls from last summer. So we had a welcome back to the house party for them. So we are in the backyard, drinking and chatting when Gold comes outside.
Gold begins hurling a tirade of insults at us and the girls that was borderline racist but all the way hetero-phobic. I wish to Tom Cruise that I could remember what he said but I think my brain had trouble wrapping my mind around what I was going through that his words came out as gibberish. I am pretty sure he called me a 'Nerf-herder' and other than being a really cool Star Wars reference I don't know what that means. I don't have 'nerfs' nor do I know how to herd them.
So our Land Lady jumped to action and really if you think this is going to end without their being some really awkward conversation then I must say welcome you to my blog because this must be the first time you are reading it. Go read the first ones and then come back. We'll wait.
So Land Lady talks to him and word comes back that he is jealous of the girls because they get all our attention. Well we weren't giving him attention because he is a dick...and we are straight.
Fast forward to today, July 14th 2013, Gold has to move from the loft to one of the houses to consolidate space. He has a choice between the front house (where we all are) and the back house where the land lady lives. While making this decision the land lady tells him:
"Don't mess with the guys in the front house because they are really real grown ass men...with guns."
I am pretty sure that saying those words together at the same time constitutes as a hate crime. Not only did she communicate a threat to him on our behalf (I'm sure house unity will improve now) but she punctuated it with weapons. Now we don't feel any ill will towards Gold. I take a pretty old school stance with life: "Don't F with me and I won't F with you." However this guy may think at anytime we may recreate the end of "Boyz In The Hood" with him getting blasted.
Do you know how hard it is to be a 40-ish year old black male with no record or stints in jail? Damn this land lady....damn damn damn.....
Thursday, July 11, 2013
WTF Did I Just Watch?
There comes a time in human history that a person is confronted with the biggest evidence of stupidity that bottles the mind. Yes, bottles. You've seen something so incredible your mind bottles it up (thank you Blades of Glory). I hesitate to tell you because you will not believe me. Even after I show you the pictures your brain will not allow you to process it. One percent of the people reading this will lose their mind. I apologize for that. I need the readers and would never purposefully hurt anyone of you.
For the past few days Los Angeles took a break from the oppressive heat and decided to take one for the team and let it rain. Temperatures went from 200 degrees in the shade to a manageable 77 degrees. Today was an especially rainy day.
And that is why my Land Lady thought it would be the perfect time.....TO WASH THE !@#$%^ING CEMENT!!!!!
Because God, Allah, Zeus or Rainbow Brite wasn't doing the job fast enough for her. At first I didn't realize what was going on thinking the rushing water I heard was rain. NO!. It's her with the hose washing the pavement.
Yes I can see you chuckling, laughing to yourself and shaking your head...."There is no way someone would do that." You say.
My response: "Exactly." This sh!t is so bat sh!t crazy that I am sure any moment now I will start typing gibberish dcfdvyiwduh[o'bdedaPKWDN3IW8HD]Qpwdjoalwmd,sdc, v !!!!!!!
This is her using the broom to scrub the backyard...and yes thats the same broom she uses to sweep the house.
In her hand is a container of Comet. She pours it on the ground and scrubs it with the broom.
Cleaning in the rain.....
For the past few days Los Angeles took a break from the oppressive heat and decided to take one for the team and let it rain. Temperatures went from 200 degrees in the shade to a manageable 77 degrees. Today was an especially rainy day.
And that is why my Land Lady thought it would be the perfect time.....TO WASH THE !@#$%^ING CEMENT!!!!!
Because God, Allah, Zeus or Rainbow Brite wasn't doing the job fast enough for her. At first I didn't realize what was going on thinking the rushing water I heard was rain. NO!. It's her with the hose washing the pavement.
Yes I can see you chuckling, laughing to yourself and shaking your head...."There is no way someone would do that." You say.
My response: "Exactly." This sh!t is so bat sh!t crazy that I am sure any moment now I will start typing gibberish dcfdvyiwduh[o'bdedaPKWDN3IW8HD]Qpwdjoalwmd,sdc, v !!!!!!!
This is her using the broom to scrub the backyard...and yes thats the same broom she uses to sweep the house.
In her hand is a container of Comet. She pours it on the ground and scrubs it with the broom.
Cleaning in the rain.....
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