Real Men With Guns

Ok....so I had mentioned that I have a roommate who is hetero-phobic. However I didn't blog about it because it's a sensitive subject and I didn't want to be perceive as making fun of someone because they are gay. That being said:

I have a roommate who we will call 'Gold'. Gold moved into the compound and instantly had an attitude with people. You'd say hi to him and he'd huff and puff and if a girl said anything to him he'd roll his eyes. Eventually we just left him alone because he was acting like a dick. Word reached us that he didn't like us (the straight men of the house) because we reminded him of the guys who picked on him in school. Wow. I was just sexually profiled. It was new to me. I've been racially profiled before but this was some 'Christopher Columbus in uncharted waters' type shit to me. We were amused but we still left dude alone. You can be gay, you just can't be a dick. I am sure you are laughing that I used the words 'gay' and 'dick' in the same sentence and I can assure you I am quite amused too.

So a few weeks ago we had some female Mexican (from Mexico) dancers move into the house. Debbie Reynold's dance studio is a block from the house and the artist compound I am staying at is the perfect spot to stay at for a few weeks. Now to say that these girls are nice looking is an understatement. They are fine. These girls stay in America for the summer while they go to school so another roommate and I know these girls from last summer. So we had a welcome back to the house party for them. So we are in the backyard, drinking and chatting when Gold comes outside.

Gold begins hurling a tirade of insults at us and the girls that was borderline racist but all the way hetero-phobic. I wish to Tom Cruise that I could remember what he said but I think my brain had trouble wrapping my mind around what I was going through that his words came out as gibberish. I am pretty sure he called me a 'Nerf-herder' and other than being a really cool Star Wars reference I don't know what that means. I don't have 'nerfs' nor do I know how to herd them.

So our Land Lady jumped to action and really if you think this is going to end without their being some really awkward conversation then I must say welcome you to my blog because this must be the first time you are reading it. Go read the first ones and then come back. We'll wait.

So Land Lady talks to him and word comes back that he is jealous of the girls because they get all our attention. Well we weren't giving him attention because he is a dick...and we are straight.

Fast forward to today, July 14th 2013, Gold has to move from the loft to one of the houses to consolidate space. He has a choice between the front house (where we all are) and the back house where the land lady lives. While making this decision the land lady tells him:

"Don't mess with the guys in the front house because they are really real grown ass men...with guns."

I am pretty sure that saying those words together at the same time constitutes as a hate crime. Not only did she communicate a threat to him on our behalf (I'm sure house unity will improve now) but she punctuated it with weapons. Now we don't feel any ill will towards Gold. I take a pretty old school stance with life: "Don't F with me and I won't F with you." However this guy may think at anytime we may recreate the end of "Boyz In The Hood" with him getting blasted.

Do you know how hard it is to be a 40-ish year old black male with no record or stints in jail? Damn this land lady....damn damn damn.....