Last Thanksgiving the front office of the artist compound I lived at decided that they would give something back to the people they had been making a small fortune on. It was decided that they would buy us a turkey and all the fixing and we'd celebrate like normal people. I was reluctant at first. Hell they have been promising us a flat screen TV since I have been here. Much to my surprise the food was bought and brought to the house the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It was decided that we'd eat at 6PM and then moved to 5PM the day before because the new Land Lady (this is around the time that she just got here) wanted everyone to eat and most of the roommates were flying out on late flights the day before T-Day.
So Wednesday comes and everyone leaves for work and last minute shopping. I am at the house working on my thesis script. At about noon I decide to check up on the cooking. I don't know why I did this. I am not an exceptional chef. I can cook somethings but a turkey isn't in my repertoire. I however can hook up a steak like nobodies business. I enter the back house where the cooking is to take place and see that the turkey is out on the stove to thaw. Again I am no expert but I know that cooking a turkey is usually an all day affair. My brain tried to rationalize what my eyes saw. Maybe we aren't eating today and tomorrow we'll wake up to Thanksgiving Breakfast? I asked the Land Lady what time we were eating.
"5PM" was the reply.
"5PM today?" I asked.
"Yeah"
I called one of the roommates at work to confirm which one of us wasn't considering the factors of turkey cooking.
"We're supposed to have Thanksgiving today right?" I asked.
"Yeah why?" He replied.
"You know she hasn't put the turkey in yet." I answered.
"Put the turkey in what?"
"The oven"
"WTF"
4PM rolls around and 'Suzy Homemaker' places the turkey in the oven....for a 5PM meal. The roommates gathered at 5 and the turkey wasn't done. Dinner was pushed to 6....and then 7 and then 8. Around 9PM the roommates that were catching a late flight had to leave so she pulls out all the food and serves it.
I am reminded of the sang Rapper's Delight. Before rap became about hoes and money, rappers rapped about innocent things. Like:
have you ever went over a friends house to eat
and the food just ain't no good
i mean the macaroni's soggy the peas are mushed
and the chicken tastes like wood
Like you know this brother was mad about this meal. Everyone else is rapping about how hard they are, their neighborhood and this guy uses his time on the mic to talk about a bad meal he had.
On Thanksgiving I was that guy. The Turkey was ice-cold. As she carved the turkey she commented on how juicy the turkey was. NO, that's not juice, that's ice. On top of the cold turkey, the gravy was cold and had the consistency of jello. The stuffing also was cold and had a delicate layer of frost to add to the ambiance of the evening. In fact everything was cold except for the potato salad which was left out when 5PM was the meal time.
The roommate who had a plane to catch made a small plate and put it in the microwave to cook. Everyone else followed suit. We ate so that she wouldn't feel bad. Never in the history of Thanksgiving has so many left overs been left over. No one had a second plate.
The next morning I woke up the creature from Alien trying to burst its way out of my stomach. In the other room I could hear groans and moans. In the bathroom one roommate cursed Christopher Columbus and the Pilgrims out.
Now you probably think I am making this up. Well a picture is worth a thousand words.
After two days of being in the refrigerator we just threw this abomination out.
So far this one's my favorite
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